No vampire could be as terrifying as the worst merchandise tying in with the Twilight phenomenon. To help you collect holiday gag gifts that will horrify your friends, we've gathered the craziest and most ridiculous Twi-crap in existence.
Edward Reminds You To "Be Safe" In Bed
Get a shadowy Edward Silhouette wall decal to stand guard over your bed and remind you all that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and it kills you — or ride dirt bikes. It's $60, but think of it this way: it's an investment in your sex life. Contraceptives are expensive, but this wall decal will keep everyone out of your bedroom for years.
Share The Dream Together Sheets
Surround yourself with vampire love, hearts, and shame. Available at ebay.
Go Green With Twilight
Now you can be sparkly and Green. Team Jacob And Team Edward water bottles, sold at a fast food joint. Hypocrisy, thy name is Edward!
Smell Like Your Favorite New Moon Character
Vampire and Werewolf body lotions, soaps and oils. Poor Alice: her trademark scent is described as "spirited" while Edward is "intoxicating" and Bella is "irresistible." Anyone else wishing Jacob's smelled like wet dog?
Twilight Bed Crown
Live in your own moody death shroud, for a mere $14.00.
Twilight Checkbook Cover
This might be a really clever joke, since Twilight is one of the biggest cash cows in history — but we have a feeling there's no sardonic wit involved in this Twilight checkbook cover.
Well, it was bound to happen, someone was bound to make a felt version of Bella Swan's womb... wait WHAT. HER WOMB? SOMEONE FELTED HER WOMB? WITH THE MUTATED BLOOD-CRAVING ADULT BABY RENESMEE INSIDE? TELL US WHY. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS??
Twilight Mosaic Table
Maybe Joseph Fiennes would want to decorate his back patio with this. Ha ha ha ha ha it's a FlashForward joke. But seriously, he probably would want this exquisitely crafted piece of furniture.
My Mommy's a "Bella" Onesie
If your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.
Better not scuff these up, y'all. There is no greater art form than puffy paint-decorated Chucks.
Bella's St. Jude Bracelet
Bella's St. Jude bracelet from Hot Topic keeps the apocryphal apostle close to your heart, but we have no idea why - THIS IS NOT IN THE BOOK; THIS IS NOT CANON, PEOPLE.
Cross Stitch Abs
Who doesn't want to spend hours cross stitching abs on your sweat shit? Well now you can.
Bella's Wedding Ring
Yes you guys. You too can rush into a teen marriage prematurely, so that you can have sex without remorse. And have a demon grow in your uterus. And name her Renesmee. All because of this heavenly bauble.
Apparently MS Paint is still the preferred mode of digital creativity in the wonderful world of Stephenie Meyer, so here is an artfully designed pillow featuring a lamb jumping off a cliff. IT'S A METAPHOR. For... Twilight girls with suicidal urges after their boyfriends break up with them. It's beautiful.
Fangs are so passé, everyone knows that eye color are the real indicator of a propensity for blood sucking and sex-abstaining.
Nothing says "early morning heart attack" quite like a greeting from a giant, pissed off, floating vampire head in your bathroom. It's the Twilight shower curtain, and it's only $60.
Wolf Pack Packaging Tape
Now you can give your gifts a Wolf Pack tattoo when you wrap and send them! Not to mention the hours of entertainment you'll get out of "giving" some poor unsuspecting boy a tape tattoo ("I promise it won't hurt to take off!") . Available at the Twilight center for entertainment joy, Hot Topic.
Salt & Vampire Pringles
Now you don't need to continue stalking R-Patz to find out that vampires apparently taste exactly like vinegar and are in fact used as a substitute for it. Just try these limited edition Pringles!
Hey, if vamps can eat us, why not the other way around?
Cullen Crest bra
The jury's still out on whether or not this one is real, but if so, you had better be a well endowed girl who doesn't mind showing off that space where cleavage usually goes. If you're good with that, then show off this crest of a family you'll never belong to! Because they're fake! And not real! HEAR ME? IT'S A MOVIE, PEOPLE.
TwiCrotch: Edward Panties
I'm sure the vamp facing panties we introduced you to a few weeks ago are already high on your wish list, but we definitely wanted to remind you of the awesomeness of them. I mean, who doesn't need panties where the crotch faces INSIDE. Yeah, mull that one over, fans.