No, "God is dead" isn't a spoiler - it's just a theory among some of the angels who started Armageddon on Supernatural. Last night's episode taught us more about angelic powers, including Lucifer's big plans for Sam. Spoilers ahead!

I'm really starting to wonder if Dean might be better off without Sam. I mean, I love seeing the two of them together but this episode, called "Free To Be You And Me," made me realize that Dean needs a new bromance - with a dude who isn't his actual brother. Luckily we all got a dose of that when Dean teamed up with Castiel. The fallen angel begged Dean to help him track down Raphael, the archangel who murdered Castiel and may have been the last creature to see God before he left the building. Dean is initially surly about agreeing to help, given how much the angels have already dicked him around, but Castiel convinces him with a little guilt trip about how he estranged himself from Heaven just for Dean.

As a worldbuilding nerd, I got kind of a dork boner out of the scenes where Castiel teaches Dean about how to entrap angels. We've already learned all about demon traps and salt barriers and stuff like that, so it makes sense that there's a kind of magical science to dealing with angels too. Apparently the angel equivalent of a demon trap is a circle of burning oil - it keeps them and their powers contained. Cas also explains that any person who has been an angel's vessel is basically a direct telephone line to that angel, so he and Dean track down Raphael's latest vessel/victim. That's when we learn an ugly truth about being an angel's vessel: It turns you into a drooling catatonic. The stronger the angel, the worse the condition of the vessel when the angel is done. So Dean doesn't have much of a life to look forward to if Michael ever takes possession of his body.

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The best time to make angel phone calls is apparently in the morning, which leaves Dean and Castiel one convenient night for bonding. Since Cas thinks he'll likely die when he raises Raphael, Dean decides the angel needs to do one thing before he dies. Oh yeah, you know what it is. And that's how a wide-eyed, freaked-out Castiel winds up drinking a pint of beer in a whorehouse in the awesome scene I excerpted for you above. Needless to say, it does not end well. The hooker freaks out when Castiel looks into her eyes, sees her soul, and tells her that her daddy loved her but had to leave her family because he hated his job. Apparently soul-cleansing reassurance isn't always called for.

Outside the whorehouse, Dean cracks up and realizes that he never laughs this way with Sam. Of course we all know he has, but he's feeling anti-Sam right now - and for good reason. Sam kind of sucks these days. He's decided he's too pansy-ass to hunt (I'm sorry, but at this point the pansy-assitutde of his behavior is just pissing me off). He's working in a bar and flirting with the ladies and whining on the phone to Bobby about how there are portents of the Apocalypse like hail and fire from the skies and can Bobby please send somebody out to deal with it? Even though Bobby snarks about Sam being such a wuss, he does send three hunters down to deal with the problem.

And of course the hunters are totally mauled by about twenty zillion demons, at which point they are really annoyed with Sam for "sitting this one out." So annoyed that they force-feed him demon blood so he'll "hulk out" and kill the demons with them. Tragic inter-hunter punchfest! Blood spitting! Sam is sad!

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Luckily we can forget about all that because we can focus on the Dean/Cas bromance. So after the whorehouse thing, Cas does some oil circles and chanting that sounds like he saying "Nokia Nokia Nokia" and then calls Raphael a bitch and eventually Raphael takes possession of his vessel again. Lightning and portentous sayings ensue. Actually, Raphael has a pretty amazing speech, and the actor playing him is suitably wrathful and calm. He talks about how God is dead, and he left the angels in charge with no instructions and a massive burden. Like the hooker that Cas tried to reassure, Raphael feels abandoned by his father. He weeps as he tells Dean and Cas that the angels couldn't deal with Earth in the absence of God and they let Lucifer start Armageddon because they just wanted Paradise back. It's a pretty awesome scene and there are all these shivery echoes of the Winchester brothers' yearning to find their own father after taking on the burden of being hunters without his guidance.

And speaking of major daddy issues, Lucifer finally reveals himself to Sam. Just as he did with the guy who became his vessel, he approaches Sam at first in dreams where he wears the body of a dead girlfriend (Jessica, Sam's girlfriend who died at the beginning of first season). Once he's gotten Sam to open up to him, Lucifer burns away his Jessica disguise and reveals his face. Then he does the full "I am the villain let me explain" speech about his ultimate plan, which he's been working on since getting old Yellow Eye to dribble blood in baby Sam's mouth.

Sam is Lucifer's true vessel. So the brothers' supposed destiny - if the angels get their way - is to fight the way Lucifer and Michael once did in Biblical legend. Nice reveal. Meanwhile, Castiel still believes God is alive and wants to hunt him down. Even though Raphael suggests that maybe it was Lucifer who raised Castiel back from the dead. Seriously, these archangels are just bags of holding packed with dicks.

For all that is holy you MUST tune in next week for the alternate reality/future where Sarah Palin is president, Sam chooses to be Lucifer's vessel, Castiel is a hippie cult leader who loves orgies, and Dean is totally freaked out.