After seeing how angels behave on last night's episode of Supernatural, you'll want to cozy up with Lucifer too. You also won't be suprised that everybody is after the Winchester brothers' hot bods - fans and archangels alike. Spoilers ahead!
Aptly titled "Sympathy for the Devil," last night's 5th season premiere of Supernatural started with a bang. AC/DC rocked through the opening flashbacks, and brought us right into the light-blast of Lucifer's escape that we saw coming at the end of last season. Those of us waiting at the edge of this cliffhanger all summer were amply rewarded with lots of action, Bible-size revelations, and lots of shit-talking among angels. Showrunner Eric Kripke, who wrote the episode, knows how to answer the big questions but still leave you excited to learn more.
And one of the first revelations of the night was that God may have left the building, but he's still looking out for the boys. As Lucifer burns his way out of his former prison, Sam and Dean find themselves miraculously transported into an airplane far from the blast, on their way to Detroit. Despite their distance from the event, the plane is still sent into heavy turbulence when a huge pillar of devil light pierces the air. Lucifer is free - and now he's looking for a vessel, AKA a human meatsack who consents to host him.
When the Winchesters land, they go searching for Dean's angel Castiel at prophet Chuck's place. But unfortunately, as Chuck says, "those archangels smote the hell out of him." All that's left of Cas is a tooth that Chuck finds in his hair. "I'm having a really stressful day," he says with a near-sob as he gazes at the bloody molar. Around that time megadick archangel Zachariah and his henchmen arrive to mix it up with Dean, who quickly banishes them with a handy blood symbol he's secretly drawn on the wall. Dean and Sam want nothing to do with these angels who claim to be on the side of goodness, but are willing to sacrifice millions of humans in the fight against Lucifer.
So what to do now? Sam has started Armageddon and Lucifer is strolling the Earth. Despite the long odds, the brothers decide to tackle the problem the way they would with any other case. Try to find the bad guy, and figure out what weapons will take him down. So they visit Bobby in the hopes that he can help them find some anti-Lucifer ordinance. Unfortunately Bobby is seriously pissed at Sam about the whole apocalypse thing, and basically says that once the End Times are over, so is his friendship with Sam. With tail palpably between his legs, Sam goes off to a local church to do some research. Alone with Dean, Bobby suggests they try to find the "Michael sword," which the archangel Michael used to banish Lucifer to Hell the first time. Luckily, at that moment, Chuck sends an emissary to tell the brothers about a vision he had about finding the Michael sword.
Of course when Chuck plays a role in any episode, things go meta. Chuck, whose prophesies are published as a series of cheesy graphic novels about Sam and Dean, is a stand-in for the show's writers (his pen name is even Carver Edlund, same as Supernatural writer Ben Edlund). Chuck always has the archangel Zachariah looking over his shoulder, so he contacts his number-one fan to get a message out to the boys. She turns out to be a woman named Becky who writes erotic slash fiction about Sam and Dean on the web. There's a hilarious and slightly painful scene where Chuck contacts Becky via webcam, and she freaks out with squee when he reveals that everything in his novels is true and he has an important mission for her. Though she delivers his message faithfully, Becky does go off-mission a little: She refuses to stop feeling up Sam's pecs, and expresses her disappointment that Dean doesn't look how she imagined him. This is another little wink for Supernatural fans, who usually consider Dean the prettier and more grope-worthy brother. I love these in-jokes, especially the Wincest stuff, but I hope we don't go there very often this season. A little meta goes a long way.
Kripke brings us back to the emotionally intense stuff immediately, though. After the brothers tell Bobby about Chuck's cryptic prophesy about the Michael sword being on a "hill of dogs", they realize that it's a reference to their father's storage space on Rover St. And that's when things get bad. Turns out Bobby has been possessed by a demon, thanks to old demon nemesis Meg, who is pleased as punch that Lucifer is on the rise. Meg tries to get possessed Bobby to kill Dean, but instead he stabs himself with a demon-expelling knife. Holy crap! What's going to happen to Bobby?
And what's up with Satan? Turns out he's located himself a nice vessel - a guy named Nick whose wife and infant baby were horribly murdered in the house during a break in. The guy is haunted by images of blood, and keeps thinking he's seeing his murdered family. We're not quite sure if Lucifer is sending these visions, or if they're bubbling up from Nick's troubled mind. Probably a little of both. Finally Lucifer takes on the form of Nick's dead wife and explains who he is, and how he and Nick both share righteous wrath at God for mistreating them so horribly. Nick has to give permission to become Lucifer's meatsack, and the devil does give some pretty persuasive reasons why it's a good idea.
There's a truly poignant moment when Nick asks, "If I let you do this, will you bring back my family?" And Lucifer looks genuinely sorry when he admits that he can't do that. Instead, Lucifer promises Nick "justice" for the wrongs done to him by God. And Nick agrees to the deal. So now Lucifer is embodied in the skin of a sad, stubbly white dude from Delaware whose tragic loss has made him vulnerable.
Things get really ugly, though, when the archangels show up just as the brothers have opened up their father's storage space. Zachariah says he finally understands what role Dean is going to play in the apocalypse. Dean is the Michael sword, which means he must become the vessel for the archangel Michael during the coming battle. Given how assholish the angels are, it's pretty obvious why Dean says no. Even when they give him stomach cancer and rip out Sam's lungs and promise that Bobby will never walk again.
And that's when (thanks literally to God) Castiel shows up and smites the crap out of everybody. He's got the shiny sword of angel death, and quickly kills all of Zach's henchmen as well as healing Sam and Dean. Since Zach killed Cas, the archangel is understandably surprised to see his former underling. Cas hints that God is responsible for bringing him back, and basically warns Zach that he'd better get the hell out of the building or else. And Zach disappears. Unfortunately, so does Castiel, but not before giving the brothers that 20-zillion-yard stare that says, "Yeah I've seen shit you won't believe."
One thing Castiel didn't fix, however, and that's Bobby's legs. Just as Zach promised, Bobby is now a parapelegic. So the boys' greatest ally is hobbled, and Lucifer got lucky with vessel Nick. And the episode ends on a dark note, with Dean telling Sam that nothing can ever be the same between them again. He just doesn't trust Sam anymore.
But hey, it's the apocalypse, right? So things can only get better.